If you’ve noticed that the person has slowly begun to take over every aspect of your life – from how often you see friends to where you go for dinner – then you’re being controlled. If the person you’re with has angry or emotional outbursts followed by telling you how much s/he needs you or loves you, then the person is trying to control you with his/her emotions. If you’ve tried to leave before and the person has threatened violence or even suicide, then you’re being threatened and manipulated. If the person you’re with is extremely jealous and hates it when you hang out with your friends, especially with people of the opposite gender, and makes it difficult for you to hang out with other people, then you’re being controlled. If your partner has put you down in front of friends and family, has discouraged you from speaking too much in public, and gives you a scary look that makes you keep quiet, then you’re being controlled. If you find yourself giving in to your partner time and time again because you’re afraid of how s/he will act if you don’t, then you need to get out of the relationship. If you’re being pressured to do things you don’t want to do, especially sexually, then you’re being controlled. If you find yourself desperate to please that person at any cost, then you’ve stopped thinking about yourself. If the person makes you feel like there’s no way out of the relationship and that you’ll never find someone else who wants you, then you’re being manipulated into staying in the relationship.
You can start being your own person again. Write down all of the things you loved doing before the relationship, from grabbing fro-yo with your friends to spending hours taking long walks by yourself, that your partner no longer “lets” you do. You can start enjoying your other relationships. Remember how you used to hang out with your buddies before your girlfriend stepped in and said every night would be date night? Write down your favorite memories from hanging out with your friends and family and think of all the fun and fulfillment you can have once you start enjoying those again. Your self-esteem will skyrocket. Right now, your self-worth may be based on how good your partner may make you feel at a given moment, and once you’re out of there, you can assess yourself on your own terms. And if your self-esteem is low because you know you’re letting yourself give in to an emotional or unstable person, you’ll feel better once you stop doing that. You can stop living in constant fear and anxiety. Instead of worrying about how your significant other will react to something you’ll do or say, you can just enjoy your life. You can even have a good friend help you generate some reasons – a friend may have an insight into your relationship that you don’t have, and s/he can motivate you to leave.
Just say, “This isn’t working for me” or “It’s time to say goodbye,” and give a few more statements, but keep it brief. There’s no point in being vindictive or accusatory. That will only make your partner more emotionally volatile. Be as calm as you can when you deliver this news. Don’t yell, cry, or pace around. Keep it almost matter-of-fact, even if you’re hurting inside. If you’re obviously emotional, your partner will see that you can be manipulated. Once you’ve figure out what you’ll say, you should practice how you’ll say it. This will help you be comfortable with the words.
If you really don’t even want to face the person, just write them a note or email. If it’s gotten so bad that you’re afraid to talk face to face, then just get out whatever way you can. Though once you’ve decided to end the relationship, you should act quickly, give some thought to the timing. Don’t end the relationship after you and/or your partner have been drinking, or in the middle of a very stressful event. Try to pick a time when your partner is likely to be a bit more stable – even if that isn’t saying much.
If you do live with the person, you should also find a place to stay before you initiate the break up, so you’re not stranded and tempted to go back.
The person may say, “But you haven’t given me a chance to explain!” That’s too bad – actually, you’ve given them way too many chances.
Remind yourself that you’re leaving the relationship because you’re tired of this exact behavior. It’s not going to work on you anymore.
If you need to talk the person for any reason, like to get back more of your things, or work out something practical related to mutual belongings, bring a friend with you and do it in a public place. If you and the person have a lot of mutual friends, you’ll have to cut off contact with them for a while. Don’t go to places where you know your ex will be, even if that means laying low for a while.
Keep telling yourself that it will get easier – it really will. Remind yourself that, before the relationship, you were perfectly fine on your own, and that you can be that person again.
Though you should spend more time alone during a more standard breakup, spending a lot of time alone after ending a manipulative or controlling relationship will make you more likely to want to go back to your ex. Your friends and family are your support system. Talk to them about how bad the relationship was – having them confirm your thoughts will make you feel stronger. Don’t be afraid to reach out. Maybe you lost touch with some close friends because of your controlling partner. Just be honest and say you know you made a mistake for cutting your friends out of your life, and they should take you back.
Whatever you do, just try to get out of the house. This will make you feel less alone, even if you’re only reading by yourself in a coffee shop. Plan your week. Leave some time for reflection, but make sure you have something to look forward to every day. Think of this as an opportunity to try something you never got to do with your ex. Maybe he hated something as simple as eating sushi or going to the movies – do those things to your heart’s content.
Whenever you have a moment of weakness, review this list, or recite all of the reasons why your life is better. Give it time and you’ll see that you were right for being brave and making the right choice.
