Pause, take a few deep breaths, and relax. If you need to, step away from the situation until you feel calmer. Say something like: “I care about our friendship and don’t want to say anything that I’ll regret. Let’s pick this up later when we’re both feeling calm and rational. “[2] X Research source If the argument or harsh words have occurred by text, make it clear that you don’t want to have or continue having a fight with them over text. Instead, call them to talk it through or ask if you can get together to talk about it in person instead. This will help to clear up any possible confusion texting may have caused.
Wanting revenge is natural, but don’t do it; you’ll only feel worse. Instead, talk things out with your friend once both of your tempers cool. Tell yourself, “Getting even may seem like a good idea now, but later I will feel awful for hurting my friend. ” Acknowledge what you’re feeling right now and accept it. In this instance, accept that people are going to break your trust. [4] X Research source
Talk through the issue with a close, neutral confidant. If your friend posts on social media, don’t reply. You may even want to block them temporarily. [5] X Research source
Remember, you don’t have to agree with someone in order to empathize with them. Consider if your friend is experiencing difficulties in their personal, academic, and/or work life? Do these difficulties reveal anything about their negative behavior towards you? Consider how your actions made your friend feel. Did you do something to upset your friend? Did you break your friend’s trust first?[6] X Research source
If your friend is not ready to meet, don’t push the issue. Give them a few more days to cool off and then ask again. [7] X Research source Decline any offers to talk about your fight over the phone or social media platforms.
Be open-minded and prepared to have a dialogue. This means listening carefully to what they have to say and being respectful. When you feel yourself getting mad, stop talking and take several deep breaths. Count to ten or repeat a mantra, like “I am calm, cool, and collected. “[8] X Research source If you feel yourself getting too heated, excuse yourself for a moment and return when you feel calm. [9] X Research source Think about why you’re feeling this way. Was it a simple misunderstanding? How much control do you have over this? Use this time to gather and organize your thoughts—identify the source of your anger so that you can clearly articulate what you are upset about. [10] X Research source Listen to what your friend repeats a lot––this is their story and their perspective coming through and is telling you what matters to them that you need to paid attention to.
Use “I statements” to identify and take ownership of your feelings. [11] X Research source Be as specific as possible. “I felt angry when you left me at the party. ” Avoid the words “ought” and “should,” as well as the phrases, “I feel like___” and “I feel that__. ” These transform I-statements into You-statements. Avoid yelling.
When your friend is talking, put away all distractions, such as your phone or computer. Maintain eye contact with your friend. Lean forwards and tilt your head slightly to demonstrate that you are engaged. Mirror your friend’s body language. [13] X Research source
”I can see how my actions made you feel ____. ” ”I didn’t realize I hurt you by ____. ” Avoid the word “but. ” This word indicates that you did not actually see the issue from your friend’s perspective. Instead, replace “but” with “and. ”[14] X Research source
For example, you could say: “I am sorry that my actions hurt you” or “I apologize that I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. ”[15] X Research source A false apology will not bring your conflict to a happy conclusion. [16] X Research source
For example, you could say: *I realize that showing up late was inconsiderate and hurtful” or “I know I waited too long to tell you that I felt hurt. ”[17] X Research source Do not tag an excuse or justification for your behavior onto this statement. Doing so will only negate your apology.
For example, if you promise to care more about your friend’s wellbeing, you could say: “I will do a better job of asking about your life and struggles. ” Make sure that this promise is achievable. If it is something that will require lots of work on your part, tell your friend ahead of time. [18] X Research source
Your friend has the right to either accept your apology or withhold their forgiveness. If your friend doesn’t instantly forgive you, give them some space and time to process your apology. [19] X Research source
