Don’t worry that fantasizing about your friend’s girlfriend means you betrayed your friend. In fact, fantasizing about her might “scratch” any itch to actually hook up with her. Part of the fun of fantasizing is it allows you to do something you would never do in real life. From flying like a bird to making out with your teacher–you get to imagine crazy and fantastic scenarios.
Focus instead on the impact of the fantasy. Do you feel empowered and more in control afterwards? Or did it the fantasy feel negative, intrusive, or compulsive? If it’s the latter, your fantasy may be revealing some underlying issues you need to deal with.
Think about how your fantasy might relate to your real life. If you fantasize about being dominated, it might mean you are lacking control somewhere in your life. [4] X Research source Research has found that if you are experiencing a lack of desire for sexual activity and want to give it a boost, fantasizing regularly about your partner may return you to normal sexual functioning. [5] X Research source
Close your eyes if it makes it easier for you to visualize. If you want, you can dim your lights and put on music to help you relax.
Imagine different settings. Fantasize about being on a beach or in a cabin in front of a fire. Picture yourself in a posh hotel room or in an office or supermarket. There are no consequences in a fantasy, so you can imagine yourself anywhere. [7] X Research source Think about past experiences and expand on those. You can exaggerate them or make them more vivid, or replay them in your mind. [8] X Research source
Try imagining a scenario in which you and this person are separated from everyone else. Maybe you are snowed in at a cabin, or you get locked in the copy room together at work. Fantasize about all the things you’d like to do with this person. Remember that you are in charge of this fantasy, and if you start to feel uncomfortable, you can change it or simply stop at any time.
Your fantasy may be richer if you imagine the sensory details of your surroundings as well. If you are imagining you are on the beach, how does the sand feel on your skin? Try to hear the waves crashing on the shore.
If the line between these two worlds begins to blur, and you find yourself wanting to act on things that would be inappropriate outside of the safety of your mind, then your fantasizing has gone out of control. If you find your fantasy life is interfering with your real life, then you are no longer fantasizing in a healthy way and may need assistance from a therapist or mental health professional.
First, put the brakes on your fantasizing. Then, even if it’s painful, start looking at your relationship. Are you bored? Are you angry? Is fantasizing about another person a defense against intimacy with your partner?[11] X Research source Using fantasy to cope with certain things isn’t inherently wrong, but it can keep you from addressing the real problem. You won’t be able to repair your relationship without taking an honest look at what’s going on.
